Week 13 NFL Picks

Short write up this week. My apologies for all the endless thousands of you who will get only a limited TS fix. I love you all, though I love the women more and the hot women most.

As always, my picks are in Italics.

Saints vs Panthers

You all know that these are two very bad teams. I have two reasons for leaning toward the mostly declawed kitties.

Jim Haslett coaches the Saints, and the Aikmans tell me that, despite the meager yardage, the Panthers have a much more efficient (and in my mind effective) offense.

The defenses aren’t worth talking about and may even want to consider watching the game from a local sports bar while the offenses pretend to play football against opponents they might be able to score against.

Jets vs Texans

My gut said Texans as soon as I saw this one, but my head looks at the stats and the Aikmans and just can’t go along. The Jets are the better team just about any way you look at this.

The only way I can see the Texans winning this one is if Pennington, whose shoulder is not up to par, gets knocked out of the game before the 4th quarter. The earlier it happens, the better the Texans chances.

Vikings vs Bears

I’m sorry, but after the trauma I experienced when the Bears embarrassed themselves (and more importantly, me) by losing to the Cowboys, I’m just too shaken up to write about this one.

Maybe after another week of therapy.

Patriots vs Browns

I have it on good authority that Pats head coach Bill Belichick’s favorite food is a nice bowl of fresh from the dog dingleberries.

Is that enough to give this game to the Browns? Only if he takes snack time in the Pats locker room immediately prior to the game.

Buccaneers vs Falcons

Offensively the Bucs aren’t really much worse than the Falcons, at least if you look at the overall picture (ie the Aikmans).

Defensively Tampa is better weather you look at the NFL’s yardage based rankings or the Aikman’s efficiency based rankings.

I just don’t see the Bucs coming up with an answer to Michael Vick’s legs.

My boy Brian Griese should have a nice day, but probably not nice enough.

Lions vs Cardinals

I like this game. No, really, stop laughing, I do.

These two teams are very bad, but they both fight their butts off. Ineffectively most of the time, but still.

I like both teams, but the Cardinals better D, and specifically DE Bert Berry, have me expecting the little red birdies to be chirping merrily when this one is over.

Colts vs Titans

The Titans just got ho-slapped by the Texans for 31 pts, right? Yeah, I thought so.

Ravens vs Bengals

If you’re expecting the Bengals to put up 58 pts again this week, then maybe it’s time you finally get into the drug rehab program your mother keeps telling you about.

Ramsvs 49ers

I expect the Rams to win this one, but by 10pts may be a stretch. They’ve given up 31 or more pts in 4 of the last 5 weeks and even the Packers held them to just 17 pts.

In fact, an upset would not surprise me in this one.

Billsvs Dolphins

It is an act of humility and appreciation that causes me to go with the Bills in this one.

It’s obvious to me that Bills QB Drew Bledsoe and the entire Bills offense are huge fans of TPG and Bronczilla. They have read my stuff and, for the past two weeks, I have single-handedly motivated them to play at the level we all expected at the season’s opening.

That and I really really dislike the ‘Phins a lot.

Chargersvs Broncos

Just call it the Curse of the Crush and don’t make me analyze it too deeply. It’s too hard to type when I’m shaking with sobs and blinded by my own tears.

Raiders vsChiefs

The Chiefs got the nod from Vegas last week for reasons I still don’t understand (though they dang near pulled it off vs the Chargers). This week they’re underdogs to the stinkin’ Raiders? Why? Because the Raiders pulled off one win against a better team? Idiotic.

Eagles vs Packers

I don’t see how the Pack can hope to keep up in this one. The Eagles can match them score for score and, according to the Aikmans, also have the second best D in the NFL while the Pack’s D comes in at 25th.

Packers fans may want to go sledding or something on Sunday while pretending that they forgot the game was on.

NJ Giantsvs Redskins

I don’t even want to call this game, but I know how all of you hang on my every word.

I like the Giants running game vs the ‘Skins and I think Eli will have his best game to date.

Both teams are at least good on D, there isn’t anything positive to say about Washington’s offense.


SUNDAY NIGHT

Steelers vsJaguars

Since beating the Eagles and Patriots convincingly back to back, the Steelers have seemed to struggle more each week. They had trouble holding off both the Bengals and Redskins.

This week the struggle continues and the Steelers collect loss number two.


MONDAY NIGHT

Seahawks vsCowboys

The Seahawks just got slaughtered by the mighty ::cough:: Bills. Two weeks prior to that they couldn’t score more than 12 pts on the Rams.

The Cowboys seem to have gotten hold of their spines and may have one of the NFL’s few historically successful QB rotations.

Not a lock, but the ‘Hags just are not impressing me.