Week 9 Picks

My picks are in Italics

Lions vs Redskins

These two teams are so bad statistically that it isn’t worth the time to give you the numbers on it.

Ok, yippy, the Washington Redskins have the #1 overall defense. It’s a pretty meaningless accomplishment, considering that they also have a 2-5 record coming into Week 9.

So I’m taking my boy Joey Harrington, the Lions, their statistical ineptitude and their fire.

Cardinals vs Dolphins

Another game with two bad teams that match up well statistically. It could even be a pretty good game to watch, though I won’t be spending any money at my local sports bar just for the honor.

So I’ll let my continued Marino inspired dislike of the Miami Dolphins and my respect for Arizona Cardinals head coach Dennis Green swing my pick.

‘Phins flop around like a fish out of water and the cute little red birdies win.




Eagles vs Steelers

The Philadelphia Eagles are favored by just one point and are on the road This should be a VERY good game.

Philly has a strong passing game and the Steelers have the #5 overall defense.

The Steelers are statistically weak on offense (15th overall, 24th passing, 4th rushing).

The Pittsburgh Steelers toppled the other supposed super team last week and I’m hoping they can topple Philly, too.

As ho-hum as Philly’s defense is (18th overall) that is a very good posibility.

So, in the Battle of Teams With Ugly Uniforms From Pennsylvania, I’m again picking the guys in the bumblebee outfits and the idiotic, sticker-on-one-side-only helmets.


NJ Jets vs Bills

The Buffalo Bills have won only two games against very bad teams (Miami and Arizona).

The Jets are not a very bad team.

Yeah the Bills have the #2 overall D. So what? How many games has it won them? It won’t be winning them this one, either.

See, I bet you were waiting for me to rip into Bills QB Drew Bledsoe again. But I’m not going to say a word about his penchant for fumbling, his stunning ability to complete passes to the wrong team or his utter lack of leadership abilities.


Chiefs vs Buccaneers

The Kansas City Chiefs defense still stinks, thanks to Cryin’ Dickie.

Gunther has proven me correct in that while he is good and has made a difference, he’s not Christ and can’t work miracles. The Chiefs gave him garbage to work with and garbage is what they’ve been on the field.

They aren’t even as good as their defensive ranking of 20th overall, because they’re giving up 25.3 pts per game, which places them at 27th vs pts scored.

Only once in 7 games have they allowed fewer than 21 points. They’ve allowed more than 30 twice.

Their offense may have looked great against pathetic defenses (Atlanta 30th and Indianapolis 32nd), but they won’t be playing against a pathetic defense this week.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers bring the #2 (tied with Buffalo) ranked defense to this game. If they were playing a real team that wouldn’t be a big deal. As with Buffalo, it hasn’t won them many games. Thankfully for them they don’t have to worry about a real team. They just have to worry about the Chiefs.

Plus my boy Brian Griese is rockin’, baby.

Cowboys vs Bengals

Two bad teams. The Dallas Cowboys have better offense. Both stink on defense.

Vinnie T and his hot arm win the day.

And that’s all the giveadamn I can scrape together for this one.

Raiders vs Panthers

This one could be the surprise game of the week, at least if you 1. Expect a boring battle between two sorry teams and 2. Hate the Raiders.

I really like the way the Panthers keep fighting regardless of their record or the score of whatever game they’re playing.

On the other hand, the Raiders should be demoted to CFL status.

Geez, how many times do I have to tell these people that the only thing Norv Turner has proven as an NFL head coach is that he has no business being one.

Bears vs NJ Giants

I’ve never been a fan of NJ Giants QB Kurt Warner, but he’s really pulled his stuff together this season.

Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith has the team playing with a lot of passion. They’ve just had too many injuries for me to put much faith in them, especially when the NJ Giants are playing consistently well on both sides of the ball and Tiki Barber seems to have a handle on his fumbling problems of past years.

Saints vs Chargers

This is an interesting game because the New Orleans Saints typically play below their ability and the San Diego Chargers have been playing above theirs.

If the Saints had a coaching staff that was fit for a Pop Warner team this game would be in the bag for N.O. Sadly, they don’t.

The Chargers may well sit alone atop the AFC West after this weeks games are over.

Seahawks vs 49ers

The 49ers have not held a single opponent below 21 pts and they’ve only put up more than 21 pts twice this season.

When these teams met in Week 3 the 49ers were shutout and allowed Seattle to put up 34 pts.

The Seahawks and 49ers are not very far apart statistically, so an upset is not impossible. I wouldn’t put my cash on that bet, though.

Patriots vs Rams

The ideal end to this game would be a 0-0 tie with both head coaches suffering massive strokes. But God just never has loved me all that much, so I won’t be holding my breath for such an outcome.

Even with CB Ty Law and RB Corey Dillon the New England Patriots are a barely average team (overall 19th defensively and 14th offensively).

They won’t have either player this week and the St. Louis Rams passing game has been hot most of this season. With Law out, New England is in serious trouble.

The possible saving grace for the Patriots is that they face a very bad Rams (28th overall) defense.

Broncos vs Texans

For the previous two games the Denver Broncos have been HUMILIATED, not just beaten, by two teams with very bad offenses AND very bad defenses.

On the other hand the Houston Texans have not always played well this season, but they’ve always played with intensity and pride.

I have no idea what’s caused Denver to suddenly forget how to play football. Whatever the reason these two teams seem headed in opposite directions.

After the disasters of the last two games I have to think that Denver’s defensive ranking of 4th overall is bizarrely out of line with reality. They may very well be the worst defense in football at this very moment.

SUNDAY NIGHT

Browns vs Ravens

A lot of people in Cleveland will eagerly watch this game. A lot of people in Baltimore will eagerly watch this game.

Not a lot of people from anywhere else will not be watching this game with or without eagerness.

There are a few reasons to give this game to the Ravens.

1. They get RB Jamal Lewis back this week.

2. The Browns are still suffering from their earlier plague of injuries.

3. Browns head coach Butch Davis is a worthless heap of dung.

MONDAY NIGHT

Vikings vs Colts

Vikings head coach Mike Tice is a monkey. And he isn’t even one of those really cool monkeys who knows sign language. He’s more one of those pick bugs out of your neighbor’s hair and eat them kind of monkeys.

If Minnesota Vikings WR Randy Moss was healthy I’d have to give this game, hands down, to the Vikings. Thankfully for my dislike of Mike Tice, Moss still has a tear in his hammy and is expected to be stiff and slow for at least another 3 weeks.

Minus Moss the Vikings are just average. When they already have a pathetic defense (25th overall), that is a very bad thing, because they’re facing P. Money and a very good Colts offense.

The only hope they have is to match the Colts score for score. Sorry, Mike ole buddy, but that isn’t going to happen.

Expect to Colts to score a lot. Expect Monkey Mike and his Vikings to let them.